let it fill the space between;

Swirling.

2012-02-15T00:40:00.000+11:00

A rather hairy grey spider
and a few frenzied attempts at hostility
kept me entertained for the past few days,
if you must know.

Meanwhile, I have been silently contemplating. Searching for a standpoint on callous words that have found a little haven in my thoughts. Figuring out what I thought I had already figured out. And it's been a weird, in-between "me" lately. Retelling old stories, for some odd reason. It's almost like a loss of identity, or rather, a rummage for one - among the cluttered blend of old and new. (Keyword: Almost.)

Oh, and in light of V-Day,
here's a video ref to all those boys
who dish out unnecessary advice on how single girls should act
and to all those girls
who would love to see single girls avoid being "forever alone".

(Edit: Or "single boys". Whatever.)

Loving God.

2012-02-05T22:39:00.000+11:00

Ultimately,
it's not about the size of your faith;
it's what/whom your put your faith in.

Then
surely the bigger your faith,
the stronger your confidence
along the way.

(Paraphrased from Pastor Dale's message today.)

Luke 17:5-6 (NLT)

The apostles said to the Lord, "Show us how to increase our faith."

The Lord answered, "If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, 'May you be uprooted and thrown into the sea' and it would obey you!..."

A little flimflam.

2012-02-03T14:40:00.000+11:00

Honestly, the story behind that familiar tune isn't all that.
Or maybe it is - with the exception of emotion.
'Cause it doesn't just evoke a good feeling; it awakens a memory.

A memory that is slowly fading.

At the risk of becoming that kind of blogger, here is a really pretty song.

I have to say, Jason Mraz's girl is surely a lucky one.

Thank you

2012-01-26T15:21:00.000+11:00

For all your kind words,

beautiful prayers and

thoughtful actions.

Still standing because

you've been there to lean on.

I am very much amazed,

and very much grateful.

My faith may be small

but my God is certainly big.

And big enough -
I'm surrounded by good company.

Not done yet.

2012-01-19T23:26:00.000+11:00

Listen up, Life - the more trouble you bring, the more determined (read: crazy bitch) I get.

And all the more I rely on God my Father, who is seeing me through every single step of the way. Who lends me His strength. Who promises me that I am on the winning side. Who refines me through the fire, to purity.

Sure, I'll have a good cry or two.
But you know what? Bring it on.

I know I'll win.

Psalm 46:1-3 (NLT)

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!

2012-01-13T01:20:00.001+11:00

In the recent stresses that don't seem to stop, I am admittedly defeated. Exhausted.
The past six months or so have been more trying than usual. Maybe it's like how one friend put it: it's not that you become more lacking or more stupid, it's just that as you grow older and wiser, life's curve balls hit you harder and you hadn't noticed it yet. At least not until you look back to realize the change.

(I should probably add that we were sharing this on a completely different topic last year, but her words somehow feel like they apply here, in a way.)

Often it is during these times that Religion reminds me that I have to hold on to my faith, my pursuit of God, for things to work out. Jesus, however, reminds me that God pursued me in His own belief - that I am His, and no one else's. And if I ever let go, I'm reminded that I'm still caught in His grace.

God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. 

Ephesians 2:20

From a broken world to a broken heart, You finish what You start - in everything.
(Change In The Making lyrics by Addison Road, from the Stories album which has sorta become my unofficial soundtrack over this rather hectic week. Check them out here.)

In a word: totalled.

2012-01-08T21:45:00.001+11:00

My first car, that is. My first accident, too.

And to be utterly honest - my first words were not Christlike at all.
If somebody told me that one day, I would be screaming "SHIIIIT" in the middle of the intersection just 2 minutes away from my house, I would have snorted in major disbelief. And as usual, I ignored the little voice that tried to inform me that overreacting was a bad thing.

The crash hit me on the front passenger side. Thankfully, I was barely jerked towards the steering wheel, causing my ribcage area to constrict, and leaving me gasping for air the moment I got out of the car. Fainting seemed like a very possible option at the time. Everything felt like it was in slow-motion; cars from every direction, as well as the other driver and her passenger (who were standing at the sidewalk by then), watched me wordlessly. When I was finally able to breathe, I yelled the very first word that came into my very blank state of mind.

Regrettably, as someone who claims to be changed by God, that little spat probably showcased the worst side of me. And in full public view, too.

And it continued at home. When the tears fell, I just got angry.
My sister sat silently as she listened to my rather colourful story, complete with woeful idiocy.

I'm okay now, I guess. Well, maybe just slightly calmer.
So I lost a car on the first day of being on my own.
Oh, it would definitely cost me: money, convenience, time, and my parents' trust (in my driving skills).

My hip bones ache a bit. My right wrist is a little sore. My groceries are slightly bruised.
But the worst thing is, I wrecked the answered prayer: the car. My twenty-first gift.

Not that I'm being superstitious or anything,

but it feels like adulthood really isn't putting its best foot forward.
For what it's worth, I apologize.

Much ado about nothing.

2011-12-31T00:42:00.000+11:00

See that hole in my purse?

That's caused by firstly, unemployment -

and secondly, Boxing Day sales.

The usual sale-crazy mob came full-fledged, along with

their extended families.

The worst type of crowd;

if there were more than one type of crowd to compare with.

On another note, watching Firefly and Serenity is the perfect lazy way to get through
the last week. :)

A sore throat for Christmas, again.

2011-12-21T04:33:00.000+11:00

I often claim
not to know everything -
but that does not lead to the
assumption
that I know nothing.

Understanding this,
help me understand.

2011-11-30T18:49:00.001+11:00

Found this sign on a tram last Friday.

Thought it was somewhat philosophical

(albeit a little airy-fairy)

about the current potholes on the road to adulthood.

A good justification for my hiatus? :)

Interim.

2011-11-16T23:08:00.015+11:00

Can you save me from this world of mine

before I get myself arrested with this expectation.

(Ordinary, lyrics by Train)

So I should really go on a full scale job-hunt.

As in, play the role of the 'desperate graduate'.

Preferably sometime soon.

Unfortunately, like most other "pre-employed" graduates,

pessimism has drastically reduced my motivation

and expectation of any callback; that is to say,

if I would get off my lethargy-inducing couch

and back into my mojo.

Autopilot.

2011-11-13T01:05:00.007+11:00

A fixation - an obsession, a long mull - yeah, I think that's what it was.

Or has been. Or is being.

Because really, it pounces in the dark,

when you're most vulnerable

and weak

and weary

and waiting.

I'm pretty sure psychology majors or people who overthink blog posts in general may detect traces - of sadness, of somehow always feeling alone. Of avoidance, yet of full immersion in the distress that plagues many of the first world population today. And here I am, adding to the technological pile-up of articles and tweets and statuses; it's true what they say - rejoice and the world rejoices with you, weep and you weep alone.

Not that nobody knows, and not that nobody cares either.

But very often, it doesn't feel enough. And somehow the only one to count on is a supernatural being that is distinguished by belief. My belief, although by His grace.

Sure, friends would ask why. Why no long, emo emails, why no sad phone calls or lengthy texts. Well, I just thought it would be nice to be on the receiving end, sometimes. Not of problems nor the sagely solutions to them, but of encouragement and prayer and hope.

Thank God for the few who remember to love.

(Even when I do look okay.)
(Also, sorry for the mini 'pity party'.)

Old ghosts.

2011-11-09T11:33:00.006+11:00

I remember when I first heard this song; I didn't like it very much.
It was the slow pace, the irritating choice of words - they all fell flat on my ears, somehow.

Then a while back, I heard this song properly -
in the car, with the radio turned on. I wasn't in a place to move,
fallen to the lowest depths I had ever been. I was so broken,
I didn't know how to get up, get out of this feeling.

I wanted - no, I needed someone to love me out of the situation, to lift me up
and help me walk with confidence again.
But the song sang me a dare; being stubborn ol' me, I took it on (with God).

...but I focus on this one thing:
Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.
(Philippians 3:13, NLT)

2011-11-03T23:11:00.006+11:00

I insisted that the sign was still standing -

only to find it had fallen. After walking from two stops down.

Like seriously, vandals?

To think I waited almost two hours for this bus.

Could've taken a different one, but felt too lazy to walk.

Murphy's Law freaking bit me in the butt. Ah, whatever.

Edit: #firstworldproblems

Incomparable.

2011-10-21T12:50:00.009+11:00

People who have lived most of their life in a singular environment fascinate me.

Okay, that just sounded like a thesis statement, but like, seriously - they really do. It's not that I've moved countries heaps, but growing up being transferred to various schools again and again doesn't exactly leave me with the same mates since prep, you know?

Even in the same friendship circles, they relate to people a lot more differently than I would. The most curious characteristic - the 'best friend' syndrome. Okay, it's not like I didn't have anyone to call my 'best friend' over the years (well, it kinda varied from school to school, place to place...), but I often find that most people need a best friend in general; someone they can unconditionally tell everything to, without any semblance of restraint. And that's a little awkward sometimes, don't you think? Like, wouldn't you like some privacy on certain matters or something?

I don't know. Perhaps it's the aftereffect of moving so much during my childhood that I stopped believing. That people were perfectly capable of being "the best friend", much less a best friend. That the thought of letting someone know everything and anything about you is comforting. That the idea of someone who would stand by you, and stand up for you is real.

Because people fail. Like, all the time.

But in place of all this need, I have a God who is simply the best. Nothing less, but so much more. The best part? He already knows everything (like, everything!), yet he still holds my right hand. (Psalm 72:23)

On replay.

2011-10-19T23:28:00.007+11:00

Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into trials and problems, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God's sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God's condemnation. For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God.

(Romans 5:1-11, NLT version)

As long as I remember - it is not undeserved, it is UNdeserved.

And that by my simplest expression of faith, of belief,

I am a friend of God.

A resurgence of desire.

2011-10-12T22:20:00.003+11:00

A peek inside my prayer journal, written last Sunday (2/10/11)
after my usual long talk with God.

I guess it's easy to ask questions, without committing to anything. Or any answer, really.

But asking the question above has made me realize why I hold on to the hope I believe in, no matter how ridiculously small it may seem in the face of certain circumstances. Like, it's not like I have no faith - it's just that I have very little. And because it's so small, I'm a little worried it might just slip through my fingers.

But the fact of the matter is, I have some. Of faith. Even though it's tattered and torn, battered and bruised - at least it's tried and true. For me, anyway. The difference between believing and not believing? Belief. Faith. Trust. Hope. That one day, one day.

Wasting my last day would mean
unconsciousness of passing time
while fully enjoying its entirety, so much that
it wouldn't feel like a waste at all.

... if you believe.

2011-10-02T17:03:00.002+11:00

Faith: something the world tells us we should probably have if we want to find fulfilment, keep on going in tough times and ultimately achieve our dreams.

To have faith: generally equivalent to having hope in the belief that perhaps, someday, things will get better - or will succeed.

Which brings me to a rather clichéd point: what we believe in is important. And it's the somewhat rhetorical questions behind this statement that has plagued my thoughts over the past week. What do I believe? Why do I believe? Can I be sure of my belief - is it displayed in my character, or merely a rational decision made within my mind?

While I'm NOT about to go and renounce my faith in God, these questions have led me to "grey area" places, blurred boundaries and all. I feel like I know the answers already - but in this dry spell, I guess faith needs conviction from the heart, too. It's a pretty undecipherable mess, where the mind has decided but the heart has yet to move. I need an outpouring [of faith], seriously.

Reminiscence in the rain.

2011-09-28T23:33:00.004+10:00

Unstoppable memories poured into my mind
Of when I was a merely a whimsical child
full of life and laughter,
secure in my own little world.

I wished to be home, to be
right in the moment -
the time when I felt like nothing could ever shake us, shake me.
I was completely safe, protected - cherished.

I was truly loved, albeit only by few.
Now, I am loved, perhaps by many -
perhaps by few.
As for the heart, it feels a little unsure of where it's headed, sometimes.

Note: A trite depiction of this condition, I know.

Without You, I am nothing.

2011-09-26T17:59:00.004+10:00

For You and You alone
awake my soul,
awake my soul and sing.
('Awakening', Chris Tomlin)

I don't really have much to write, although I have much to rant.
Then I realised, I should shut up and just be thankful that I'm blessed.

Humbling: a word that teaches me what it means as I learn to draw closer to Him - that all my achievements academically, my positions of importance, my perceived talents - everything that made me put confidence, hope and trust in myself had to be broken down in order to see more and more of Him, and less and less of me. (From my prayer journal: Monday, 5th Sept 2011)

I think I kinda need some sort of passion to kick off, preferably sometime soon. I feel like all the things that I liked, and thought I was good at, amount to an indescribable sense of dullness when restrained. Like how I'm not doing much now; like I don't really know what to do, now.

Unlike most blogs, this blog has been on the receiving end of bits that didn't belong in written lyrics or prayers. There's so much irregularity in the thought processes as well as the posting of them here, which makes me wonder why I blog sometimes.
Maybe I secretly like the attention, hurhurhur.

It's what I have left, I guess, since familiarity comes and goes.

It's only been a couple of weeks, but

2011-09-13T22:37:00.004+10:00

I just realised I now (proudly) own a "work laugh". For a classic example, see here.

And yes, it does sound terrible - as it should.

On another note, turning 21 makes me feel like responsibility is now mine to carry. It's surprisingly heavy on the shoulders, and on the mind, sometimes. Like, the gap between the desire to achieve greatness and falling face down in the mud. Not that I have fallen, yet. Trust me, it'll come sooner than you think, because apparently that's how people become great. That is, after falling.

And they say rambling is good for the soul... somewhat. Okay, I totally just made that up. Also, real life is a bit of a bitch. But I'm guessing everyone already knew that from those ubiquitous T-shirt slogans.

Hmm, this post does not make any sense.

And apparently neither do I, at the moment.

Starting, not stopping.

2011-08-30T21:33:00.007+10:00

First day at my new job! :)

Waited for the boss to come unlock the office doors, so the only logical step was to sit down (somewhat pitifully) outside and play Fruit Ninja on my phone. And of course, inevitably, Angry Birds. Win?

Waved down the wrong bus to go home. Tried to signal "NO, WRONG BUS" while saying "Oops no no no no NO NO NO" totally did not stop this other kid (who was also waiting) from staring at me. Awkwardly. And maybe taking a few steps back.

Meh.

Ho-hum.

2011-08-25T23:00:00.006+10:00

He has done more for me than
any single person ever would, or could;
so much that I cannot stop believing.

Current thought: I really want a Baby Taylor. No, not a baby named Taylor - a baby (3/4 size) guitar! :)

It's absolutely beautiful, and what I want in a small guitar. Not much compromise on sound, and fitting for my childlike hands. Which is a poetic way of saying I have stubbles for fingers (Sorry, God). Which makes me wonder how I really survived piano lessons.

Thing is, with my semi-working conditions, I should be able to afford one by Christmas (or quicker, but sometimes silly frilly things and frequent catch-ups need their fair share too). But I'm not sure if I even have the discipline to practice on one. I mean, I'm really glad that I have a piano at home to vent the occasional complaint, especially when words fail me. But it's not like I'd sit myself down to play all my scales everyday. If that happens, I would earn a lot more skill and lose quite a bit of weight, considering the myth about how three hours or more of practice at high concentration will apparently get a few kgs off your bum too. Hmm - don't quote me on that, please.

Ooh, and there's a pretty Taylor Swift version as well! :D
Was going to post some pics up (and link you to the sources, of course), but got sidetracked by the cute actual baby pictures that came up with the image search. Oops.

Almost there.

2011-08-23T23:02:00.005+10:00

So I've been blogging in an annoyingly descriptive, "oh-em-gee-look-how-profound" way lately.

I don't know, I just feel like there's suddenly a lot to say, of things. Like how the future seems doubtful. Like how I might possibly be driven insane (well, metaphorically speaking, really) by transition - if it weren't for God being here with me.

And a whole heap of other things that don't want to be said. Well, not out loud anyway.

I guess, somehow, I'm just hanging onto the peace I've known.
Cheers to a slightly pointless post.

When I read of how great Your love for me,
that knows no bounds - neither life nor death,
nor angels nor demons,
nor any other powers -
I can't wait to be home, with You.

(Read Romans 8:31-39)

A warm hug.

2011-08-21T00:21:00.008+10:00

One thing that God has always spoilt me with is the presence of good friends, even when I feel like there's no one around. (Because hindsight reveals quite a bit when you look back on things.)

Friends who care about how my silly day went, and accept (or rather, ignore) all my failings.
Friends who buy me snacks just because - much like older siblings.
Friends who are equally lame, and love me deeply.

At this very moment, so many are scattered across the globe, growing further apart with different lifestyles. And somehow, as adulthood beckons, it's these friends I miss; the ones who have been there for/with me, seen me cry my heart out, argued hotly over petty issues and laughed without inhibition. They shaped me into who I am today, and I am thankful.

Of course, there's family as well. But friends are like personal treasures you find in your own little corner of the world. They feel like a beautiful surprise, especially when you were least expecting it.

The weekend was gorgeous, with all its sunshine and good company. Which led to a pretty relaxing Monday, despite Monday's true nature and all. (To quote Tess: "...equivalent of a Voldemort hug. Weird, unnatural and you just don't want to be there.")

So I wasn't really all that prepared when this emo thought came and hit me out of nowhere.

Of classical music and pensive thoughts.

2011-08-19T01:47:00.005+10:00

Strangely, a rather curious question from a friend echoed at the back of my mind all week. (And strangely, I have blogged three times consecutively-ish this week. Yay?)

Thing is, I don't know why either.
I mean, isn't it really insincere to say Lord, You're more than enough for me, only to be conditional - but I really need _______________ too? In other words, an oxymoron. Because when something satisfies you so much, you wouldn't crave for anything else, right?

Jehovah Jireh: The LORD will provide.

So really, He is enough. More than enough. 'Cause He fulfils my needs.

Lacking nothing in the fullness of Your grace.
I left my frail, beating heart in His hands anyway.

Rainy day songs that sing for me.

2011-08-17T23:26:00.008+10:00

Today, a fleeting thought ran through my mind. (As all other fleeting thoughts do - sorry, couldn't resist.)

Perhaps, when I am close to death, I would like to attend my own funeral while I am still alive. It sure would be interesting to see how people viewed me and all the silly frilly things I did, both the good and the bad. And also, who actually bothered to rock up. In theme.

Or no theme? See, it's planning stuff like this that I hate making decisions for - hence a rather random tangent as to why I am not having a twenty-first. (Read: party, not birthday. You can't not have a birthday... It's physically impossible?!)
Edit: Kids, please do not use 'double negatives' at home. Bad grammar, really.
I hate the organizing, the costing, the preparation and the cleaning up afterwards. I hate agonizing over the guest list; whether or not to invite someone simply because they had previously invited an acquaintance like me to their respective twenty-firsts.

And I reckon I'd be pretty embarrassed and awkward when the time came for speeches to be made. Somehow, my mind has convinced me that it would feel weird to have a million nice things (or otherwise) said about me in front of maybe a hundred of my closest family and friends. If this one little birthday freaks me out, I cannot imagine how I will get through a wedding in the future. Hmm, let's not go there.

By the look of things.

2011-08-16T19:40:00.009+10:00

Sometimes I think I'm too good at balling my fists
that I forget how to pry them open again.

Something that keeps me going in my faith journey, besides a lot of pew-sitting and crazy prayers, rests in the simple fact that my God made me. While this is a long-time debated faith statement for many, it is a solid rock for me. Otherwise, the reason why we exist is just lost on me.

Because when the going gets tough, the tough doesn't get going immediately. There's doubt, worry, insecurity and tension. There's anger, disappointment, dissatisfaction and discontentment. And then, there's desperation, destitution and decision.
And in the middle of all this, we are called to be still.
Be still, and know. (Psalm 46:10)

And it's thrilling to think that my God knows me so well, too - that before I was even a mere thought to others, I was already thought of by Him. That someone so crazy and imperfect as I am would be deemed worthy of being created, chosen to live in this world. That a sinner like me still came into being, just so He could love me, even to death in a world gone wrong. Death in His very own creation.
By His own, for His own.
For in Him, everything is sustained.

So I know.
That in everything, my God is holding me, for He held me as an idea that was worth life - life so abundant, in His wonderful, gracious giving of it.
O Jacob, how can you say the LORD does not see your troubles?
O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights?
Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never goes weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. (Isaiah 40: 27-28, NLT)

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand -
but I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand.
('I Know Who Holds Tomorrow' by Ira Forest Stanphill)

(Edit) Bananas of the world, unite.

2011-08-11T02:09:00.008+10:00

So over the weekend, right, this middle-aged man of seemingly Indian descent comes up to me at the bus loop, and asks if I know of any Chinese acupuncture places around the 'burbs.
Lacking masochist tendencies, I clearly replied, "No idea."
And then, he says, "But you're Chinese, right? Like, you're basically from China?" Feeling rather technical about things, I replied, "No."

Not that my Chinese heritage from way back taught me any appreciation for acupuncture anyway.
But judging from my features, even the Mormons speak to me in Chinese. Which would be somewhat nice of them, if I had understood what they were saying in the first place.

Why, hello there.

2011-08-08T15:57:00.003+10:00

Well, dear Krystal linked me this song last week, I think.
And it really reminds me of all my girlfriends -
the ones who are struggling, but put on a brave front;
or the ones who are simply beautifully contradictory in nature.

In all my prayers, I hope they find an equally beautiful person who will love them completely.

On another note, if you are
new to reading this blog, just know that
most posts are 80% emo and
20% boredom.
('Cause I usually write when there's something that can't be said normally, or when there's something I don't want to say, but needs to let out, somehow.)

Oh, and Jesus loves you, duh.

When you need the right words to say.

2011-07-26T16:37:00.009+10:00

Everyone has experienced that moment, right?

The moment when you feel a little weary, and a little uncomfortable with conversation;
the moment when you forget the manners ingrained by parental guidance;
the moment when you feel the silence. The silence - where you don't really know what to say.

Sudden outbursts. Strong declarations. And silence. Lots of it.

But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behaviour, slander and dirty language.
Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. (Colossians 3:8, 10 - New Living Translation)

I think I'm tired of being angry. Old me would have never said that, because I was pretty fiery-tempered,
with a never-ending pile to dish out, ha.

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourself with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. (Colossians 3:12-14)

Forgiving others. Making allowance for people to be human, to be fallen, broken.
To love and be loving, in everything.

Sometimes I think it makes me more numb -
where like yesterday, normal social protocol would have dictated at least some sort of apology be given (to me). Well, not that it wasn't given, but on some level, it just felt like I didn't care at all.

Like I had no hope, for anyone to be that perfect in the first place. Hmm.

Dear Unemployment,

2011-07-06T13:44:00.002+10:00

This is a written notice to inform you that henceforth you shall be renamed as 'Holiday'.

It should be further noted that the name change is only temporary,
albeit the length of its temporary status may not be ascertained at the present time.
As such, I wish you all the best characteristics of being a holiday,
and all the perseverance and productiveness required
in turning this dry spell into a potential career.

So, I'd like to think I'm done with uni, for now.
Results are coming out on Monday,
and I've got my fingers crossed
and knees bent.

Growing a double chin in the winter, hmm.

2011-06-20T22:12:00.007+10:00

That's blogging slang for "So, like, I'm getting kinda fat."

Okay, confession: I didn't really know how to blog about what was running through my mind. But, like, something clicked, you know? And thus I officially have a fully functioning brain. Ha. Okay, okay, jokes aside, it hit me, like that yellow school bus from Mean Girls - the things I wish I had never learnt from leadership.

(Odd topic, I know - but it was floating around my memories for a bit.)

Sure, they tell you that it's really challenging and difficult, but in a 'good' way. A chance to grow your character, your faith, your skills, per se. But no one tells you to look before you leap on your way out.

And it's not the biggest things, either. But they add up, and start to make you feel tired. Weary, even. Then towards the end, you somehow find yourself hanging by a thread.

What hit me was where it began. On some level, I'd always felt that, spirituality, especially when expressed, passed off as pompous in the eyes of people who didn't really know or love me, or care about spirituality at all. And there I learnt my first non-lesson: to be quiet, and afraid. Of people's opinions? One could argue that this is superficial and should not have been a stumbling block - I mean, how can someone who is so bothered about what other people think become a leader? Not exactly a 'be strong and of good courage' moment, I'd say.

Like, it's much easier to do things or 'do life' for that matter, compared to living with what you've done, or the choices you've made. And believe me, it would bite you back in the butt, regardless of, well, anything. So over-cautiousness presides.

Oh well, everyone's got their own worries, you say, and here I learn yet another non-lesson: to stop sharing. Because when you do, it comes with accusations of self-righteousness, attention-seeking, and rather unnecessary vulnerability. Probably why I was putting off blogging in the first place!

On a brighter note, I learned that the company you keep is not you. As in, it doesn't define you or your personality, cause only you can be you! :) Praise God for individuality!!! Like, seriously. Thank You, God - I may not have lived the most perfect life ('cause that's Jesus, ha!), but from looking back and comparing, I know that You have grown and You are still growing me into a woman of respectable character - one step at a time, mistakes included.

Edit: This piece of writing merely depicts a time when I was obviously burnt out, and is not representative of my view on leadership as a whole. Just sayin'.

One for the road.

2011-06-09T22:39:00.002+10:00

Doesn't it always feel weird when people say that?

Like, 'one more glass of wine before I leave',

or 'one more trip to the bathroom' -

even if you lived like, really close by.

Guess what?

In the past hour (or less than, I reckon), I have read the entire archive of blog posts I have not deleted. In an attempt to procrastinate, and check out much (or how little) I have matured.

Because if you'd read the deleted ones from 'back in the day', they were pretty darn immature.

It was surprising, though. To find such cheerful, sometimes insightful things about myself, amidst that 'worn-out' period. Like, I was seriously expecting to be a whiny bitch, which was written between the lines if you read real closely. Thank God for His grace, and for some really vague blogging.

Anyway, in line with my apparent blogging tradition, I shall hereby announce that I am sitting for my second-last exam (of this degree) tomorrow... feeling slightly nervous - I mean, what if I blank out? I haven't even been sleeping well lately, gosh.

Should've written them down, ugh.

2011-06-08T00:42:00.003+10:00

It's been a while since I had inspiration to write new lyrics,

but I lost them in the middle of all my day's worth of hustling and bustling.

It's been a while since I've been inspired to write, like, at all,

as the dates on these blog posts testify,

since I haven't really moved far from where I was.

But you know what?

My God is still good.

My God still loves me.

My God still made me, regardless of the downright ugly and emo bits of myself.

And He carries me through everything.

And that is enough for me. :)

P.S. I have been so blessed by Krystal, a dear girl who is just as gorgeous on the inside as she is on the outside. Even though we aren't the very best of friends, nor have we been religiously keeping in touch, yet her loud voice over many Facebook statuses and wall posts and blogging goodness has brought me much cheer. You are a remarkable woman of God, you know? And I thank God for you. <3

2011-05-21T17:54:00.002+10:00

I never thought that this would ever end -

And suddenly it's like we're women and men.

Graduation (Friends Forever) by Vitamin C

Because when it's time for change, the comfort you've laboured to achieve gets shaken up.

And then you start all over again.

The future feels uncertain - I'm not sure if I'm ready for it.

I'm hungry.

2011-04-28T18:22:00.003+10:00

No idea why those were my first words after such a long period of silence on this blog, but yeah, I am hungry. Physically. And maybe a little on the spiritual end as well.

Ironically, I have been reading other blogs almost as diligently as I've ignored my own, and have somewhat found myself greatly encouraged. Not because ordinary people have written extraordinary things, things so profound that they blow my mind and piece it back together. Not because they had awesome pictures for me to stare at and wish I were in their place. Nah.

I guess it's just the fact that they make me feel normal. Like, really really normal. Okay, that sounds odd, I know. But sometimes we get caught up in our own lives, and the way we think, and the feelings and the situations and the future and other multiple complications that we feel all alone in feeling like this. And I don't know if this is just another superficial post full of words just stringed together for public attention. But yeah, just putting it out there, it's normal to feel lonely sometimes, and it's normal to feel like you're caught in between.

Because we're growing up.

***

On a totally different side note - God, I'm feeling really angry. Angry that sometimes, trying isn't good enough, and that conflicts happen. Angry enough that I don't wanna love the creation You crafted and declared so wonderfully and beautifully made. Because even though I know You will do Your transforming work in and through me, these feelings are left nowhere. Gah, I'm tired. Or weary, or whatever. (Plus that stupid awkward turtle keeps following me around in my everyday conversations.)

It's like, the final countdown.

2011-02-27T22:24:00.002+11:00

My last semester of the degree.

9am lecture = WIN? :'(

I'm proud of myself (?)

2011-02-21T22:01:00.005+11:00

I figured everyone should at least be able to say that once in their lifetime. Although in my case, here's my 972465743895363th time... not that I counted.

Anyway, here's why - for what seemed like a first in a really long while (wow that's a long intro phrase to the main point), I had consciously, somehow, stopped myself from bragging (about myself, duh) when the perfect opportunity arose. It was like, you know, the moment when most people would begin the 'I'm better than you/Oh when I was in the same position...' etc. speech, I just responded with a mere 'yeah, I've done that before'.

Okay, so blogging about how you didn't brag may kinda be the anti-thesis here, but ever since I've been in the "complaints/everything-is-stressing-me-out" rut (which is I hear is preparing for its upcoming encore performance), it's just nice to find a few words in-between that didn't make me the centre of attention. But since it's my blog, which is basically a bunch of written stuff about me, that previous sentence is probably ironic at best. (Edit: At worst, that sentence is pretty redundant.)

Meh.

By the way, I'm killing off the chatbox, because spammers have officially invaded the space. >:(

(Edit: Well, the spammers are one thing... but I kinda forgot my password as well. Oops.)

What Faith Can Do (Kutless)

2010-12-08T01:00:00.002+11:00

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end

Even when the sky is falling

I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

I'm still a bit scared, though. It's like toeing the water after you've almost drowned in the pool. It's a lonely feeling, for sure.

:-)

2010-11-28T19:20:00.005+11:00

The last time I stood in a quaint little church,

we mourned the loss of my good friend's mom.

Yesterday, I stood in a quaint little church, and celebrated my beautiful cousin's wedding.

The best part of the ceremony -

when the bride entered in all her glory and beauty,

I looked back to see the groom with the biggest (and I mean reaaally big)

grin on his face.

It was a pretty happy occasion,

although at the bouquet throwing,

the single ladies felt awkward

and ran away

as the bouquet of lollies hit my thigh. And then the turtle did his awkward little thing.

(Don't expect me to get married so soon, though.)

I think I need like, a "complaints jar".

2010-11-19T14:14:00.005+11:00

You know, like a "swear jar", except I might have to put a dollar in it every time I complain instead.

I'd hate to burst your bubble, but I'm not really all that perfect. (... but then again, who is?? Perfect Guy, if you're out there, you must be hiding in the corner from all your screaming fans.)

You see, I kinda complain quite a bit, here and there. And mostly it's pretty annoying, especially since nobody likes a whiner. (Much like nobody likes a crybaby, and I'm ashamed to say I'm one of those, too. Sorry!)

But yeah, just putting it out there. For everyone to know, and stop me if and when they can. ;)

Anyway, back to to the "complaints jar"... by actually doing it, I might save all my money from getting spent on silly things I regret buying. And spend it on charity. Or a reward for not complaining (for saving money). Which might end up with more silly frilly things in my closet. Hmm.

Oh, and on another note, OCF Clayton's having their Thanksgiving dinner tonight, and I have to start getting dressed soon. Might be a little "out of it" (been pretty much in that state the whole week) since I pretty much blogged and blog-hopped instead of nanna napping. In case you're wondering how "out of it" I was this week, I complained in the first hour of shopping with Faith (... not that she isn't a good shopping buddy).

See? Complaining is totally my "thing", even when I'm feeling all sleepy and weird.

Somebody, help me.

Here's something to know.

2010-10-23T21:51:00.003+11:00

When I get really bored, I google random things. Like names of people I know. Like bands I like. Just to see, you know, if there's something to fill up five minutes of procrastination from exam studying. (It usually ends up taking more than five hours.)

And so I recently stumbled onto Jenny's Simmons' blog - she's the lead singer of the band Addison Road. Usually personal blogs get slightly iffy for me (much like my own), and I tend to lose interest in them. But her personality, from what I'd gathered anyway, is really something that strikes me as what could've been easily a typical conversation I'd actually have with someone. Although it's weird, because I'm not married with a baby, I'm not in a band, and I lead a totally different life from her. It's comforting to know that someone, somewhere, even in a somewhat famous band, as a Christian, would struggle with things that I do, in most cases.

It's not that I don't have cell groups or accountability partners and stuff. But maybe 'cause it's in a modern day context, full of blogs and facebook statuses and tweets, that makes you feel warm inside when you connect to something that isn't made public "just because".

Anyway, what I'm really trying to tell you is to read her latest post on the importance of failure - I found myself going 'Wow, God, truly people who have experienced failure will get this.' Hopefully. I learnt a lot from the past year and a half - failure, when I look back, seemed like a huge risk God took to bring me closer to Him. And that's where faith comes to play, I guess.

I initially just wanted to direct you guys to the pretty awesome post, and somehow ended up with more than just a few words. Oh well. Maybe I miss blogging. Hmm.

Growing up is hard.

2010-10-17T17:59:00.004+11:00

Like making decisions.

Like standing still.

Like leaving.

Like loving.

Like staying true.

It's hard. And it's not stopping.

Edit: I foresee a "That's what she said" joke somewhere between the last two lines. Meh.

Okay so the blogging initiative was an epic failure.

2010-10-10T19:58:00.003+11:00

Oh well, at least I'm here to bore you with more words than pictures, eh? ;)

And come to think of it, there's nothing much to say, really - considering the fact that I've been pretty much at home since Wednesday from having fevers and a cold and a horribly dry cough. Being sick is the pits, because when the sun is peeking out from its hiding spot amidst Melbourne's crazy weather, you're at home feeling all dizzy and emo, with an essay to finish.

But I'm left with only the dry cough now,

so it's back to uni tomorrow.

Coincidentally, it's also about time to study for exams.

... I'm good at bumming things out, right?

I don't know why,

2010-09-26T21:54:00.006+10:00

but I just have this homesick feeling around me these past few days.

Maybe it's because I miss my friends and family. And the relaxed mood of the holiday season.

I'm on mid-semester/spring break now, but my mind's getting ready for summer.

Gah, everything's changing

too fast

for my liking.

A little bit emopie.

2010-09-14T21:29:00.003+10:00

Dearest Self,

Whatever comes, please

don't lose hope, or yourself, again.

Much love,

It's a bit rude, quite frankly,

2010-08-28T17:28:00.002+10:00

that time waits for no man.

Here's an example:

I don't wanna grow old. Time doesn't care.

Hence,

I shall officially turn 20 tomorrow. Meh.

Bad news from afar are like

bad dreams you never really wake up from.

just thought that someone should care,

2010-08-18T22:55:00.005+10:00

It feels like I went through three days blended into one.

I've met so many new people.

I attempted to remember the names of some I've apparently met before. And failed.

(With my so-called "elephant" memory.)

I saw a girl from my tutorial sat down at the coffee place and cry really badly just after class.

I walked past her.

Then I remembered how touched I was to witness someone showing such kindness to a random before, and turned around to ask if she was okay, and did she need a tissue?

She yelled for me to leave her alone, and I was taken aback. So I walked away.

Yet somehow Jesus filled me with such compassion for her, I just had to turn back and place the packet of tissue I had on her bag before I left again.

I went to catch the bus after gatecrashing the drama practice.

Long story short, I missed the bus I was supposed to switch to after, and had to wait another hour to catch it. Thank God for Prissy and Rachel, who chatted to me for almost the whole hour on the phone. A bus pulled up at the stop, and I got on.

It wasn't 'til I was halfway down the wrong direction that I realized I wasn't headed for home. Called Calvin in a panic, only to have Gerrard answer the phone and not recognize the sound of his voice, LOL. No one was available at the time to save me, so I backtracked down the bus route and managed to get back to the bus stop just half an hour before the last bus (for the day) arrived.

Thank God for sending me an angel in the form of a little old lady, who shared with me her toffee and pulled out a pear from her bag for me (to which I politely refused). She chatted about her grandchildren, and showed me pictures of them. She told me about her niece, who had also attended Monash, but passed away on the day of the completion of her course from leukemia. She told me about her son and how proud she was of him and his family. She showed me more pictures, told me she was from a "uniting" church in Mount Waverley and unknowingly cheered me up from all the bus drama.

To show kindness is not a waste of time. AT ALL.

Some thoughts.

2010-08-13T12:04:00.002+10:00

Picking up the pieces

There's some I don't understand

Listening to the story

But I can't really comprehend

You are beautiful

Come see what the Lord has done

You are wonderful

See what You've made me become

I am complete, whole

Lacking in nothing, fully clothed

in His purity and love.

12th August 2010

Life. Love.

2010-08-11T23:20:00.001+10:00

We're doing this event thingy again, for OCF Clayton.
It's in about two weeks.
And dance practice has officially started, today. Hmm.

Back aches and muscle pains, here I come!
(:

A line a day.

2010-08-10T14:25:00.002+10:00

I know I haven't been blogging much lately,

and like, ever since I stopped writing creative stories or lyrics over the past few years or so,

I've been pretty much unmotivated. (And not to mention, whiny. Ugh.)

So yeah... in order to reboot the system,

I've decided to attempt writing a line a day about daily happenings.

Honestly, I'll be impressed myself if this keeps up for more than the next two weeks or so.

And so, today, I had my third driving lesson (to refresh after not driving for about two years). It was much better than the last one, where I almost drove into some telephone wires which had fallen, and a bird that decided to land right in front of the moving car. Don't really know what happened to it though, oops? :/

Close to home.

2010-06-17T20:32:00.001+10:00

The other day, I saw this middle-aged, potbellied dude knitting a scarf on the bus. It was an awkwardly rare sight.

2010-06-14T23:19:00.002+10:00

... not that I have anything against middle-aged, potbellied dudes knitting scarves.

Teenage dreams in a teenage circus

Running around like a clown on purpose

Who gives a damn about the family you come from?

No giving up when you're young and you want some

(We Are Golden, Mika)

Well, really?

2010-06-05T19:34:00.002+10:00

Yeah, it really tanked. For real.

Oh well, can't say I didn't expect that. Can't say I didn't mind, though.

I knew I signed up for the wrong reasons.

But oh well. It's gone now.

God, do I have to go?

Sorry I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy.

2010-06-03T22:32:00.004+10:00

I left my head and my heart on the dance floor.

'Telephone', Lady Gaga.

Personally, I think it tanked. It's been a week and no email, so I really think it tanked?

Oh well. It's not like the circumstances surrounding that were in my control anyway.

Today, lunch was like a rather short-lived flashback, before things got more complicated and all meh. I miss those days! :(

(LOL, getting more and more emo everyday...)

Focus.

2010-05-25T17:59:00.005+10:00

So, erm, today, my slightly overweight tutor (who also happens to be my lecturer),

wore a jumper with the exact same shade of red as mine.

Thank goodness I was wearing my black hoodie over it.

On another note, drama audition tomorrow night.

Chadstone VIP sales tomorrow. Monica and May's birthday tomorrow.

A 9-5 uni day tomorrow.

Fun, no?

(No, really?)

Wish me luck;

and pray for strength and energy.

A field trip... for Commerce students? What the...?!

2010-05-23T20:48:00.010+10:00

Yes, it's true! :)

Pics: Fields of green, a secondhand bookshop, the town shops, Target Country - where everything was seriously cheaper.

We had to rare opportunity in our "Environment Law for Business" unit to get down to Wonthaggi (past Philip Island) to look at the desalination plant they were building there. For those who have no idea what I'm talking about - basically, Victoria, or even Australia in general, have been experiencing water restrictions thanks to the drought and little rainfall. So, to solve the problem, the government has decided to build the desalination plant to turn seawater into fresh water. Which in turn, creates more environmental problems.

We listened to both the government presentations and the strong opinions of the townspeople, and we had to decide for ourselves. My business side is telling me there's already sunk costs, but my newly discovered 'go green' side tells me that there's more damage to be seen. Hmm.

Pics: Windmills, model of the desalination plant, a hilarious chart, old townspeople protesting at the building site, Aussie flag with crayfish decor - apparently the area produces some of the best/freshest crayfish in the world.

A party on Friday.

2010-05-13T02:44:00.007+10:00

It's simply amazing

to find

that after so many years

people you'd thought you'd never (want to) meet again,

grow up. (:

UNITE Conference 2010 :)

2010-05-01T19:18:00.003+10:00

It's this worship/creative arts conference organised by a few churches, and so a handful (okay, maybe a little more than that) of people know about it.

Started with the main sesh last night, but I was at OCF's Feed Our Friends night, plus my only means of transport, aka my sis, had to attend a 21st anyway.

(FOF was good. We cooked and laughed and had a jolly good time. Ahaha.)

Either way, Dan Mccollam is an awesome speaker of God's truth in worship!

Worship sesh with Brenton Brown and his band was really inspiring, and God's spirit moved freely, in my opinion. Too bad I didn't bother to take pictures or anything. (Sorry.) Yes, worship was that engaging. ;)

It felt really good to come away and learn things from/with people who crave creative energy, especially in serving God.

It was like a breath of fresh air.

To all who are far away, I miss you all heaps and heaps and heaps. Really.

2010-04-26T18:05:00.003+10:00

Suddenly

I find myself

back where I'd never

want to be.

I'll leave all emo things there,

and leave.

So the weather was drab today.

2010-04-12T21:31:00.004+10:00

People often blame the transition to winter, and winter itself, for dullness and depression.

And the wind. OMG, the wind. It shook me and my three layers of clothing up.

But the leaves danced merrily to its rhythm, and tree branches waved cheerfully as it passes by.

Look around, and

be in awe of God's boundless creativity.

It's awesome ;)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

2010-04-12T00:07:00.006+10:00

Like mom, I often want to say the last word.

And just like that, I often get into trouble.

I finished about 7 or 8 assignments and presentations in two weeks.

That's an achievement only the inexperienced can smile about.

I mean, I'm still stressed. And we had a whole week of Easter break. And I was sick. Still am.

Okay, I should stop here, lest I start whining over useless things

like a really vague 5% assignment, or

group work problems.

I blame the last one for jinxing my attitude to these things.

Comfort :)

2010-04-06T20:37:00.003+10:00

Much like this song.

Back from OCF Victoria Easter Camp. Sorted myself out with God.

All good now.

So my laptop thinks daylight savings ends this weekend instead of the next.

2010-03-28T19:08:00.003+11:00

No wonder I've been freaking sleep deprived so far.

It was probably 4am when it read 3am. Sheesh.

On a slightly related note, still 4 (and a half) more to finish in about two days.

GO TEAM CHARIS!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT.

BOO WORK!!!!!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

(No colours for depressing stuff. HMPH.)

Okay, okay, break it up, break it up.

Back to work now.

So I've got five assignments and three presentations to figure out by next week.

2010-03-27T22:31:00.007+11:00

I'm pretty much gonna blast this song

EVERY MORNING

so I'll get my lazy butt up and going.

;)

So I guess it's time to start the daily ramblings again.

2010-03-21T18:37:00.003+11:00

Apparently,

I've been so bored these days I take pictures of

the most nonsensical things.

Like this prohibition sign, for example.

But it's kinda what I feel like,

sometimes. Like,

when you fail yourself

and repeat past mistakes.

In memory of.

2010-02-28T21:16:00.002+11:00

I remember the Wednesday it rained.

Water poured from the sky with a rather ironic fiery gusto, not missing a beat. The sky was dark - not like the night, but more of a heavy grey that seemed to set a solemn tone that evening. We were in Watson's at the time, looking around for essentials when my phone rang. "Where are you?" my cousin sister demanded.

"Just left the office," I replied, a little nonchalant.

"We've just received news of someone throwing a pig's head into a mosque around there. You had better get out of that area ASAP."

The raindrops continue their hastened beat as the sound of screeching windshield wipers accompanied us home. I stared out the window, tears forming at the base of my eyes. When will we overcome?

Meanwhile, a stray leaf was pulled helplessly along as rain flowed down the familiar pot-holed road.

To find out more (top results from Google):

click any of these links.

Meeting.

2009-11-17T23:03:00.004+11:00

Sue Ann, Richard, Ian, Ian's friend, Glen, Lynette, Sabby, Eilene, Joanne, Wei Ning, Aun Shiang, Mel, Ilika, Kim Min Kyeong, Gwen, Maria, Val and Seb. In this order.

What's today, like, 'bump-into-everybody day'?

"... so we're going for some pre-drinks..."
"Pre-drinks? Isn't AXP(after exams party) like, next week?
What's today?"
"... er, Tuesday?"
True story.

Just like Simple Plan, I'll name this one "Untitled (Self-Pity)".

2009-11-09T00:57:00.004+11:00

Ever had one of those days where the only correct response is "WHAT THE _________?!"
Erm, I think you should be old enough to fill in the blanks.

My day's just begun; and I haven't even slept yet.
Two exams in two days... I think I'm gonna be sick.

I blinked a couple of times, in fascination.

2009-11-08T16:39:00.003+11:00

Vijay Benedict in church on a Sunday morning.

It looked rehearsed, with the perfectly timed background music track.

The lights were dimmed, and people lifted their hands in worship, as V.B. sang and spoke in rhythmic mix of English and Indian languages.

I just stood, fascinated by the man in an all white suit with a beautiful voice. He seemed to worship even though it was probably routine. The crowd divided into two groups - those who sang along and those who looked like deer caught in headlights.

Guess which group I was in.

We spent two and a half hours at Koorong.

2009-11-07T18:25:00.004+11:00

Correction: Ivie and Faith spent two and a half hours at Koorong, a Christian bookshop down Blackburn Rd. I had enough time to pick out something I'd thought Esther might like, as well as some appreciation cards - all for $3.65. (Erm, Esther, if you're reading this - yours made up most of it, okay?)

Anyways.
Just wanted to leave y'all with this age-old issue to think about... something that doesn't involve staying in a bookshop for that long.

As we were walking to Koorong, I kinda adjusted my messy ponytail and looked over at Ivie at the same time. Coincidentally, there were these glass doors/walls that reflected my actions as we passed them.

"I stopped caring about how I looked since I left high school." Or something to that effect.

Hmm, this reminds me. The other day I was at the library with a friend, just talking about music, in general. She'd browsed through my laptop, then exclaimed, "All 'pop'?"

Same thing happened last summer when one of my guy friends checked out my phone.

I admire the fact that people don't follow trends, or want to be their own individuals. It's their life, good on them for making a stand, you know? It's just when people kinda get into stereotyping others for liking certain mainstream things that annoys me. To an extent. (Yes, IB has trained me well.)

If I hadn't reformatted my desktop in a major blunder, I'd show you the proof.
Indie music, bad hair days, lazy fat 'teenybopper' days, whatever.

So, when virtually unknown artists do get famous, and you kinda like their music, would you just leave 'em because they're too mainstream for you? I'm thinking stuff like Taylor Swift here. Listened and loved her debut album three years ago, before 'Love Story' became one of the most irritating songs ever.

It's cool to like the things you like, because you're you. No one else is. And that, my friends, is the freaking moral of the story.

At the risk of being called too sensitive, I'd like to admit that I do care about how I look - because I like to. :)

Today I almost peed in my pants when

2009-11-04T21:13:00.004+11:00

the librarian announced that some girl's laptop got stolen in the study area of the library
and I really had to pee -
but there was no one to look out for my laptop.

Turns out my bladder can take it.

Okay, all that aside, I rediscovered a 'bad' habit of mine today. 'Bad', because I'm pretty sure the consequences are awkward.

Here goes... the thing is, I tend to think really hard about something while staring off. Most times at someone. Probably someone random, whose gender somehow has a 85% chance of being male. Damn.

And I don't even realise who I'm supposed to be 'staring' at the whole time, because I'm trying to figure something out in my head... crazy, I know.
Usually it's when I get 'stared' back that I notice.

Oops? What do I do now? Do they think I'm checking them out, or just plain weird?
Should I just pretend I had to look at the clock on the diagonally right side of his head? ...what?

Hmm. And here comes AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKWAAAAAAAAAAAARD. With the bells on.

Just so you know, when it comes to girl friends, I get off the hook. Easy - but not without the slightest look.

And, well... yeah.

2009-10-25T16:55:00.004+11:00

Okay, so I have no idea what to title this post, since I just had a sudden urge to type. Which basically translates to: "Hi, I spend too much time trying to procrastinate from my exams. Oh, by the way, the first one's on this Thursday."

So, erm - here goes spontaneity. (Or not.)

Well, I've been meaning to tell you guys about the weird and dastardly ways of uni life (although in my mental blank state I've forgotten what 'dastardly' actually means, but it sounds cool anyway), which have basically nominated this year as 'The Most Similar To An Obstacle Course Race', aka TMTAOCR. Aka "Tammy", for short. (Don't ask, it was random.)

Let's start with the time of that weird and dastardly assignment. Yes, the one with The Email.
An hour after its discovery.

You see, I was having a quick lunch/breather outside the Sir Robert Menzies building, which is a suspected undercover sabotage by an architect from Melbourne Uni (but that's another story). Just as I was finishing my last few crumbs in the cool almost-spring breeze, a random guy from the group that has been pointedly staring at me from the corner of my left eye, aimed straight for the target. Okay, as bad as that sentence sounded, there wasn't any throwing of rubbish or anything akin to bullying, or flirting - if you were thinking otherwise.

Anyway. So he comes up to me, right, and I'm thinking, "What the heck?"

"Hi, I'm XXX. (This isn't like, to protect his identity... it's just that I didn't bother to remember his name. Call him Barney or something, if you want.) Would you like to do me a favour?" The response in my head switches to "Wow, dodgy."

"Erm, it's not like it's anything bad or anything. (proceeds to ramble) You see, elections are going on, right, and we heard that the opposition party vying for the head of student media position has been telling lies about us. And like, I've complained to the Returning Officer, who is in charge of running the elections fair and square, and he says he can't do anything about it because it's my word against hers. So I've obtained permission to record what she says and use it as evidence, but we need someone who isn't aligned to any party to ask her some questions."

Talk about underhanded. Anyway, back to XXX's aka "Barney's" rambling.

"Uh huh..." "And well, you don't even have to do the actual recording yourself! I mean, some guy will just follow you and like, record the whole thing. All you have to do is approach her and ask her what are her plans for next year's student media if she wins the election."

"... can I not do it? Sorry." "Please, we really need someone and there's only one hour to go before elections officially end today. Look, I can compensate you! I'll treat you to a free lunch!" Yeah, everybody wants a free lunch around 4pm, after you've just finished yours and been rambled at by a guy you don't know.

"Sorry, I really don't want to do it. How about asking that guy?" Points to someone random walking by.
"Is he your friend?" "Uh, no, but you can always try asking?"

In the end, XXX/Barney left without a word. I don't know the outcome, and to be honest, I don't really want to know, otherwise it may or may not leave me with a minor guilt trip.
But I didn't want to risk OCF Clayton being caught in the crossfire, just in case... not to mention, there was enough melodrama to go around already.

And the secret place is...

2009-10-21T00:09:00.002+11:00

...really secretive, isn't it?

Yeah, that far away.

I know I haven't been blogging.

And that my posts are uninformative, unattractive and just plain dull.

Well, sorry. It's been an up and (mostly) down year, and I never know where to start or what to say, sometimes. But if there's one thing I do, I blog-hop. Into friends' beautifully penned lives, all trying to be sarcastic, witty, humourous, yet themselves, all at once.

And in a whole year of almost no song-writing, let alone actual writing, I'm beginning to think I'm losing my touch in many things. Like even singing, for example. I haven't even been practicing when I'm aiming to finish my AMEB grade 8 within the next 3-5 years. (FYI, I'm kinda at grade 3, although without a formal cert.)

And all this reflection is just getting a bit boring for me.

I tell most people some things, few people more things, and a couple of them many, many things.

So people know. Why should I repeat the whole process again, but this time, in writing?

Meh.

I'm probably in the "my blog, my rules" phase. Well, like all attempts, this probably won't last too long, methinks.

Keeping the faith;

now that's a struggle at the moment.

Loss.

2009-10-11T17:57:00.002+11:00

Well, it wasn't the smartest move to leave everything in the hands of others, I must admit.

But still, every memory and stupid song of my last five years are gone, deleted, never to be seen again... meh.

My desktop works like a charm now,

but this sucks.

Send me pictures/music 'kay! ;)

The ultimate LBD - status pending due to insufficient funds.

2009-10-04T17:24:00.003+11:00

It matches my 'Ruby Red' nails, AND covers my 'tuckshop-lady' arms, so there.

I want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'(

Note: I've recently turned to retail therapy as the cure for a stressed year. Materialistic? I know.

P(r)ay for me? ;)

LOL, pacar temanku terpegang tangan aku...

2009-10-01T19:37:00.004+10:00

Bahahaha - it was super awkward.

On another note, the matter's been resolved, albeit on a flimsy excuse.

But who cares, as long as it keeps the peace, right? (Maybe.)

Oh well. We woke up 'early'-ish to have brunch in Oakleigh today!

(Well, apparently I still wasn't awake after eating the kebabs at 1pm, so there.)

The kebabs, mmmm. The cakes, droooooool.

No picture could do them justice, I'd say!

I wanna go back again - this time, more awake and hungry. ;)

Well, would you look at that...

2009-09-24T17:02:00.008+10:00

"Hi, the assignment is attached to this email. I stayed up until 5am to do this assignment.

I hope you will really do your part and I MEAN DO IT WELL!!!

DONT SEND ME RUBBISH U KNOW! I NEED TO SPEND THE WHOLE NIGHT TO POLISH THIS ASSIGNMENT AND NOW IS ALREADY 5:18AM!

LOOK AT THE ASSIGNMENT ATTACHED IN THIS EMAIL AND LOOK AT THOSE PART THAT I HIGHLIGHTED IN YELLOW...READ THEM AND FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTION!

FURTHERMORE, IF U DONNO HOW TO DO ASK YOUR FRIENDS PLEASE... OR DO IT YOURSELF. THOSE PARTS I ASSIGNED U TO DO ARE NOT THAT HARD ACTUALLY!

PLEASE DO NOT SLACK BECAUSE IF U SLACK, YOUR GROUPMATE LIKE ME NEED TO STAYED UP TO DO YOUR WORK!!! LIKE TODAY UNTIL 5am!

MAKE SURE U DONE THOSE PART BY 2PM TODAY!" - Rude Group Member.

And by today, he meant today.

For the record, it's a 25% group assignment due tomorrow, and no, it's not the first time he had attitude. AND, I kinda knew him as an acquaintance before this whole shebang.

Don't forget the other group assignment due today, E-night rehearsals (OCF outreach event) Monday and today, E-night tomorrow and Mom's birthday saturday.

What would Jesus do?

Well, believe it or not, I'm not Jesus.

Edit: But I've chosen to follow Him.

Pray hard for words of wisdom, grace and patience, as we may or may not have a big bitch showdown tomorrow.

You know, I wouldn't have minded that much if he said the same thing differently.
(And face-to-face.)

Bosannyaaaaaaaaaaaa.

2009-09-10T15:32:00.002+10:00

Busy making random howling sounds every five seconds to express my boredom.

After all, who wants to do assignments after a week of being sick and miserable?
And I'd extended my own deadline, on a rebellious note... and stand to lose a mark, or more for the extra day.

Back to the howling. Okay, it's not exactly howling, per se, but whatever. ROARRRRRRRRRR.

Shut up and put your money where your mouth is.

2009-09-09T14:20:00.002+10:00

That's what you get for

waking up in Vegas.

(Waking Up In Vegas, Katy Perry)

There are always those days - the days you regret never doing things, and the days you wanna do some things but know you just can't.

Okay, stop trying hard to complicated right there and bore the heck of whoever actually reads this blog.

Long story short, for some random reason I AM REALLY DESPERATE TO HAVE A NIGHT OUT AND PARTY. But responsibilities and hovering parental instincts are leaving me alone at home, blasting party music as I wallow in my pyjamas.

I may not seem the type, but then again, I haven't been to an actual party for about a year or so.

As in, those kind of parties. Good friends and good company, despite the setting. I miss you all.

(Because sometimes, people can get fake along the way.)

Ah, I'm only nineteen...

We are not what you think we are,

2009-08-29T23:45:00.003+10:00

we are golden.

teenage dreams

in a teenage circus.

(We Are Golden, Mika)

Even at nineteen, I'm wondering if I'd make the right choices. Live the right life.

Whatever that is, you know?

As I stumble to the light of grace,

You said You'd always have a place for me. (Grace, Saving Jane)

It's the boys that are the surprising ones.

2009-08-22T19:29:00.002+10:00

I mean, which girl will establish a "circle of trust" and then ask "Who are you most attracted to...?"

I dunno, that's like, somewhat stereotypical for like, you know, girls and gossip?
But boys... well, I didn't see it coming, LOL.

Anyway, this just goes to show that boys do actually gossip - some a lot more than girls.

Wow, I'm impressed.

It's not raining; it's the freaking birds.

2009-08-16T15:55:00.004+10:00

And so, I finally finished typing that Financial Accounting presentation. Thus, all was good with the world :)

Well, to some extent. You can't have everything perfect, you know.

I guess ranting about this on my blog would actually make me a "princess".

2009-08-08T21:27:00.002+10:00

I just shaved my nail off by accident in the shower.

And it's not the pain I'm worried about, it's the freaking use of only one hand for everything at the moment. Ugh.

Although, as dumb luck would have it, I still have full use of my right hand :)
Blessing in disguise?

On the other hand (Haha, pun! Okay, LAME), I'm missing out on an ice-skating party, thanks to my lethargic self nowadays.
Sigh - would've been nice... though not without a fingernail.

Moving on.

2009-08-07T13:48:00.005+10:00

So, a friend of mine is leaving on Monday;

I didn't know him much at all.

In my books, I'm usually the one leaving people, places and things behind - I mean, six times already.

Two countries.

I've never gone off with grand goodbyes.

So it just feels awkward, somehow.

PS: Found out he's leaving on Wednesday instead... apparently, he couldn't pack everything up on time, lol.

My Sister's Keeper really does equal communal crying. Even Eugene cried.

2009-08-04T16:19:00.003+10:00

Okay well, Bernard didn't, but my theory is that he was really into finishing that overwhelming bucket of popcorn that he bought.

On the other hand, makeup is like warpaint to me nowadays,

Because it's a bloody battlefield out there.

I don't know if staying is the best option, but I said I would stay.

I don't know if my best moments were there, but I know some of my worst were.

And I don't appreciate slugging from behind, but I don't know if I should confront.

I wonder where that fearless idiotic part of me went.

I feel like something rash - but I'm too sane to do anything stupid.

Often it's the stupid moments in life brighten my really dull day.

2009-07-18T00:26:00.003+10:00

And today's so happened to be Jeremiah pretending to be Rachel on her phone. Silly boy.

And for the first time out of many, I did not fall for it. HA! :P

You took my hand, you showed me how.

2009-07-16T22:36:00.002+10:00

'Who Knew' by P!nk.

My spiritual and physical body tried meshing today,

so I was literally starving,

praising God at the top of my lungs,

and prayer fervently

for today's creative meeting.

Needless to say,

I was fed with 3/4 of a whole chicken and a pack of ramen noodles after.

It was awesome, and yummm.

For I was hungry, and you gave me

food to eat.

For I was thirsty, and

you gave me water to drink.

Results, however,

weren't so great.

I guess when you don't bother working hard,

it shows. I'm really sorry,

please teach me some discipline.

Please tell me where

my focus and conscientiousness

went, so I can find them again before

I graduate without honours.

Q: How's it going?

2009-06-22T18:33:00.004+10:00

[Where the picture was from, although I did google first. Ah, details, details.]

A: Spongebob Squarepants fun - seriously.

The bus driver yesterday had a moustache, a beard and braided long hair - pretty funky ol' dude, eh? ;)

2009-06-18T22:11:00.003+10:00

There are two majorly annoying things at this point in time:

the uncontrollable urge to pee whilst rushing through a three and a half hour law exam,

and

the uncontrollable pang of hunger whilst trying hard to concentrate when studying in the library.

The thought that ran through my mind today, and struck a chord - have you encouraged your leaders, who have been encouraging you, lately?

Hmm.

Instead of being grateful that I've never once been approached by Mormons at the bus stop, I just had to wonder what it felt like - and got mine.

2009-06-11T18:54:00.004+10:00

I just had a strange, creepy feeling;
I'll so run to the bubble tea shop the minute
some stranger starts towards me.

They came in a pair, like the rumours say.

Both Asian guys, tall, and dressed like ticket inspectors. Well, people wearing those outfits at a bus loop will get you thinking that way, at least.

There were only three girls at the bus stop; it felt unguarded, somewhat. They approached, when a sudden smile appeared on one of the guys' face (they both wore glasses, so there isn't much of a distinguishing feature, really...). He said "Hi" so brightly to the girl who sat on my right that I thought for a split second they were probably old friends or something.

Thing is, she didn't respond and continued in the dazed manner of most uni students who have officially mugged out their poor souls.

Somehow, somewhat, the dude continues on and soon they converse in Mandarin.

Meanwhile, the girl in white who sat on my left, is nowhere to be seen - she left the moment she saw them coming. Such was one who obviously learnt from others' mistakes... or mishaps, I should say.

Soon, the other guy catches me sitting alone, and tries to sweep me up in a conversation.

"Hi!" "Hi."

"Are you a student?" "Yes."

"Oh, really? How was school today?" School? Uh, dude, you're not my mom. "Fine."

"What do you study?" "Commerce."

"Hmm, are you Australian?" Is it because of my accent? "Yeah." Okay, so I lied. Sorry, God - it was for a strange and spiritual emergency!

"I'm Singaporean. I've only been here for a month... I'm a missionary. Ever been to Singapore before?" "Yeah."

Okay, and so for the next few minutes we demonstrate our individual life skills: mine, the art of killing conversation, and his... the art of annoying people at bus stops.
(Sorry to be mean or anything, but in general, don't talk to me while we're waiting for public transport, or on public transport itself, because it's "me" time. In other words, I just want to be a stoner and it's ruining my aura if you keep yakking away.)

And so it goes, until:

"Are you a Christian?" "Yes."

"Which church do you go to?" "Crossway."

"Do you believe in prophets? What if I told you that, in this day and age, there exists a prophet who is as great as Noah and Moses and all - would you believe it? " "Yeah." Okay, so I needed to brush up on my life skills. Besides, Noah and Moses weren't exactly "prophets", in a sense.

"Have you heard of President Dr. Something Something (forgot his name)?" "Nope."

"He's the President of our church, the Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Saints. We believe him to be a prophet as great as Noah and Moses and all." This sounds so Moonies material.

"Do you have some other time we can talk about this?" "Nope, it's okay." Shoot, lost the one-word combo.

"But you said you believed in prophets!" "No, it's really okay. Nice meeting you, Elder Woo (not). I'm off to get a hot drink." Oops, probably said more than necessary, but I had to get away - to the bubble tea shop.

And as such, I waited there, in the heated comfort of the Happy Cup shop, for the bus to come. I'd never guess that one day I'd rely so much on this familiar place to be my safety net... the best part is, it's right opposite my bus stop. I watched them leave.

The only other time I've had,
I walked right into it myself... pitying the people
who asked if I could spare a minute in
completing a "survey".
Ugh.

At this rate, I hope we'll all still be together by the time my birthday comes around.

2009-06-10T21:45:00.003+10:00

The other day
I found myself wishing
it was first year again.

Just remembering, just remembering how we were.
(The Special Two, Missy Higgins)

Would we still have coffee
and laugh over stupid stuff
like Ash's accent
or throwing chicken rice
into a ceiling fan?

I'm sorry
I wasn't there for you guys.
Please don't split up.

What lies ahead sounds droll
dreadful
and dull;
if only I could turn
back
time.

For some, it had to be a gradual change of dynamics; this is also said of life.

2009-05-30T17:36:00.004+10:00

"Learn to have faith in your band."

I don't know what to say, honestly.

I know I got confused, and sometimes, I didn't even know what I was doing.
And when people looked really nervous, I would start freaking out because I'd thought that something horrible is going on and I didn't know about it.

Still, God's presence was there - I mean, He's everywhere, right?

But I don't know.
An eye-opener, much, but still a little disappointing.
Not with the band personally, but if you'd been shown what it could've been really like... you'd be so unsatisfied - (let me emphasise this AGAIN) not on technical terms, but on spiritual terms.

Because I was swept up in a mighty overflow of His presence the moment it played out - the flooding of the Holy Spirit was evident as anyone who was there was filled and more.

And the silence, oh, the silence... it was so beautiful, because our hearts were just pouring out praise and and thanksgiving in undeniable worship, but in an unspeakable manner - mere words could not begin to express what we feel at the time, and what we have to bring before the throne of grace.

Last night was just a small fraction, it was so tiny, so incomparable to the strong current of silence in the vision; but amidst all the chaos, I heard a still, small voice say, "It's not the right time, yet."

And with that, I know and hope to see the day when greatness comes and escalates the spiritual heartbeat of our OCF.

I'm sorry, Lord, for bringing out the big guns perhaps too early, but I know that nothing falls outside Your plans and Your ways, and that You are preparing us, and leading us to that place - the secret (hiding) place.

And teach me, dear God, how to worship You.

One thing I've learnt, you don't really need to know a lot to have an opinion.

2009-05-25T20:56:00.005+10:00

"Ohemgee! It's Week 12 and I know nothing that can save me from exams! :'("

Glasses, check.
Greasy hair, check.
Pimpled skin, check.

Well then, cheer me on as I nerd up 8)

Hope this makes up for the lack of pictures!
(Okay, who am I kidding? This doesn't even relate to anything!)

P/S: I was half-tempted to write a "How well do you (not) know Charis?" quiz on fb. Gahhhh.

I know I've been complaining lately,
and you don't know why. And I can't tell here - so
I'm looking upwards.

Just a head's up though - it's full of aggressiveness
and pressure,
and people.

(Of course there's people.)

And charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.

2009-05-21T19:38:00.005+10:00

Big Yellow Taxi by Counting Crows.

Still my fav two lines of the whole song.

Don't ask me why - 'sif I know.

You see, there's this thing called stress, right, which causes people to get weary, or, in other words, "tired".

And there's this thing called personal space, right, which means everyone needs some sort of time and/or physical room between themselves and all the other stuff around them.

I don't usually complain unless I can't take it anymore.

And I don't appreciate people spiritualizing everything, be it encouragement or teaching, although it's true that everything is associated, in some sense, to the spiritual.

But please, I'm the kind who'd prefer to chillax it out with God, rather than have a someone doing one of my personal pet peeves.

Frankly, it irks me.

Not because I'm not willing to be teachable, and not because I don't appreciate encouragement.

But if we're not even comfortable as friends, not to mention being close, then please just pray on the sidelines.

Please - you'll be doing me a favour.

Unless God personally told you to do me a different sort of favour.

They took all the trees, and put 'em in a tree museum.

2009-05-20T22:25:00.003+10:00

Big Yellow Taxi by Counting Crows.

There's something about waking up earlier than usual to the bright morning sun as winter looms ahead - and it's a good something. :)

And as much as you hear me say it, I am tired and stressed through the roof.

The worst part is, I'm leading worship next Friday, and I caught a horrible cold and sore throat earlier this week. Ugh.

Let me count the ways.

2009-05-12T01:03:00.003+10:00

Your timing was perfect.

Trained down to East Malvern. Stopped to buy a Zone 1 Full Fare Daily ticket. Missed getting back on the train by a few seconds. Had to wait for about another 15 minutes.

Trammed down to Melb Uni Law Library. Wasn't sure where it was and asked some lady who gave some pretty vague directions. Walked across some 'padang'. Returned three fat books.

Trammed back to Flinders' (main train station in the city). Met Monica (and her "emergency lookout for a ASEAN ball dress" situation), who was pretty irritated with the half-an-hour lateness.

Trammed to Bridge Road. Showed Monica the shops.

Trammed back to Flinders'. Turns out the shops were pretty useless and expensive.

Trammed to Melbourne Uni. Met Pat, had coffee and practically loitered around.

Walked to Bailleau Library. Met Shai, who took me to a "good" coffee place called Castro's. (Well, at least better coffee than the random 'Alice Hoy' building - and Shai was a coffee virgin! LOL at the ironic recommendation.)

Walked to Architecture Building. Got the books outta Daz's locker.

Trammed with Shai. Was supposed to get off at Law Library again to return the books, but the freaking tram door closed before I could get out. Blah.

Got off at the next stop and walked back down to Law Library. Returned the books (again).

Walked back across 'padang', Shermayne calling to meet halfway. Stood like a moron; saw the 'budak' cross the road with such casualness.

Walked back to Melbourne Uni. Had a good nap in some ERC center where the couches were pretty comfortable while waiting for Shermayne to finish her tute. Don't give me the look - some old guy was napping there too!

Went to Koko Black after - mmm... Belgian chocolate. (Although the cinnamon bit was disgusting.) Thanks 'budak'! :)

Trammed back to Flinders'. Regretted immediately that I chose to drink Iced Chocolate.

Trained back to Syndal Station. Sat at bus stop like an emo stoner while waiting for Bernard to come pick me up for OCF comm meeting. The bus driver waited, and asked if I was going to change my mind (due to the freezing temperature).

OCF comm meeting went longer than expected. Got nagged again, just as I had been this morning. Printing off lecture slides and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

(Such a monotone post - who reads this anyway?)

Word, G-Money.

2009-05-09T21:00:00.003+10:00

Dear Passion and Drive,

I'm sitting on the brink of failure or success, and I hate it.

I'm sitting on the brink of like or dislike, and I hate it.

I'm sitting on the brink of tearing up or wearing down, and I hate it.

Oh, and mom wants to know when you're dropping in again.

She misses you guys heaps too.

Sincerely,

Charislah.

An "I don't really care" moment.

2009-05-09T00:16:00.002+10:00

two guys were holding hands

one Asian (as in, Chinese-y looking)

and one Indian, or should I say "dark-skinned".

was walking from the opposite end

and happened to notice

lorrr.

And the "dark-skinned" dude went, "Shit!"

and pulled his hand away.

And the Asian dude went, "We're gay, you know."

(As if he knew I wondered for a split second.)

Turning

to the other guy, he said,

"You should come out of the closet already."

All this,

just because I happened to pass by a scene

which could be a joke

or someone's reality.

Either way, three hours of sleep = blehhhhhh.

I don't want to talk about someone else's sexuality.

I don't even want to know about someone else's sexuality.

I just want the freaking coffee and the sweet dreams.